PRE: Dear Short People

Dear Short People,

See, we're the good guys

See, we're the good guys

Please stop yelling at us tall people. First of all it’s hard to hear you from up here and it’s annoying to bend to your level. We can’t help the fact that we couldn’t stop growing. You think I like it like this? You think I enjoy having to look directly down at someone in order to have a conversation with them? Because I kind of do actually. It gives you this really cool power stance over them. But besides that this whole deal is not very fun. You know how anxiety inducing it is to walk through the subway tunnels and have them literally JUST over your head the whole time? Do you know how much of a struggle it is to pick up something off the ground after I drop it? It’s like a five minute journey just to get down there, and don’t even get me started on falling. If you fall when you’re at this height not only is it going to hit way harder but you have a good 30 seconds to think about all of your mistakes before you hit the ground.

And do you know what it’s like being the equivalent of one of these things every time one of you shorties can’t reach something:

Here’s a hint, it sucks.

As far as the whole “wahhh I can’t see anything if I’m stuck sitting behind you” thing, stop complaining. If it’s a free seating thing and the whole front row is taken up exclusively by “6’0+ people then that’s a different story. They all just want to see you suffer. Now if it’s assigned seating and I happen to be sat in front of you, then I’m sorry but there’s not much I can do. (Well, not me personally because I’m usually not an issue, I get really low when I sit down. The closer I look to this:

... the more comfortable I am.)

If I really like a show and I pay for a closer seat then I can’t help that fate stuck your tiny self behind me. More realistically though, since I don’t got money like that, if we’re both stuck in the crappy seats and I happen to be one row less crappy than yours, don’t complain. We’re both not seeing anything, and we’re both too broke or not fast enough at buying tickets to complain.

I do want to say though that I am on your adorable little side through this. It’s neither of our faults how this goes down, because the real one at blame is the theater itself. Every theater should have their seats staggered better going higher with each row. So many times I have sat down at a theater and saw just one flat surface and thought “great now my big ass head is going to block the view of all these minions behind me.” But if you do it right and raise the following seats up even by like half a foot, then there will be no more problems. That way every 5"-below behind me can see perfectly and I don’t have to worry about feeling bad. I mean I probably wouldn’t have anyway because most of the time you little ones are evil anyway. But at least hypothetical me will feel better.

Your Big Friendly Giant,

Daniel Curiotto

P.S. If any of my nicknames or little quips about your height got you mad, try not to be so short tempered.
P.S.S. Sorry I couldn’t come up with more solutions to our problem, I was thinking very small
P.S.S.S. I could only think of those two short person puns, sorry the list is so tiny